I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none