Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.