I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You Might Also Like
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
This is sending me to another galaxy
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.