they should invent a type of situation that improves.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
We avoided this particular disaster
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.