If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.