Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I told my vodka about you.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving