[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine