My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking