Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
You Might Also Like
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
it must be school picture day
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
#titanic
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank