Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears