You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?