restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Its true…
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.