Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.