this is the best interaction on twitter
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I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.