I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way