What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )