Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
These are too funny not to post 😂
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’M CRYINGGG
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Chicago sounds lovely.