STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Cannot stop laughing at this
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The Bachelorette… but for cats.