When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
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