My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.