me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
You Might Also Like
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.