I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish