when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Simple enough.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today