Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Tony Hawk, age 6
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?