[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”