Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
#ProTip
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.