“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I have no passwords left in me
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’