[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I love the National Park Service.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.