i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
me irl
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.