My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.