The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”