I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me too
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired