Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Lmao
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
incredible
everyone has that one prude friend
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
socratic questions
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Oh we’ve met.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.