Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty