Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Growing out my freckles.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”