Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me trying to “trust the process”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book