A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Shoo shoo! 😂
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
this is literally a CIA plant
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel