Blew out my flip flop…
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.