Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!