I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.