if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
all bases covered
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?