Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
You Might Also Like
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…