Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I’d love this…lol
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free