There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
You Might Also Like
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Got ya covered
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.