It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You Might Also Like
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish