[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.