I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180