Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy