I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?