A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*